Haven't we learned anything? For how long are we gonna prevent our mistakes from becoming part of our historical memory? And if so... Why do we choose that path when there isn't any real restitution to be made, nor is there any just retribution to be given? Isn't that too accommodating, too easy, too self forgiving, and also too hypocritical?
I feel totally outraged, it has been so for quite a long time now. But lately, it has become an abnormally normal way of living. A strange daily ritual, for which I feel as guilty as any of the culprits holding the most important roles in this never ending stage called life.
It isn't just one thing! It is the sum of all that has gone unchecked by all of us as a collective. We are just too goddamn busy living our pitiful excuse of a life, to really stand up and denounce the obvious!
On one hand, we are killing the planet. But that pretty blue sphere we all call home, isn't ready yet to go into the night without a fight. Western Europe, Spain and France particularly, have received the fury of the elements... we had a sort of hurricane over land. And that, when we all know that hurricanes never form over it! The destruction has been nothing short of catastrophic, and the death toll... one too many! We might as well do what Jim Jones did in Guyana and kill everybody including our kids. We might as well put a gun in their heads... suffering will only last a fraction of a second vs. the moribund home they are gonna inherit from us, plus a slow and painful death as our dammed legacy to them.
Secondly, I keep hearing people talk about a crisis, a new depression, etc... everybody in their respective countries blaming the government in turn. Opposition has it easier than ever these days! As it has always been, if I may add... Only now, they seem to be feeding on the lack of a discerning criteria on behalf of the millions of people suffering it first hand.... More to my introduction point! We still are as dumb as ever!
We need more independent thinkers. But, above all, more independent doers! I don't believe in problems, there is just people without imagination!
The unscrupulous will take advantage of our most primal fear, making us believe that in returning to our worn out and ragged old patterns rests our only way out. I don't have all the answers... but I also feel some kind of certainty as they are even more clueless than me, if that is even possible!
Four boys died last Saturday morning, due in part to the extreme weather conditions we have been experiencing since, due in part to construction defects in the stadium that buried them alive under its rubble. A stadium they were precisely using to escape the strong winds blowing outdoors! Irony? No, I don't think so. Total negligence on behalf of the highest bidder for the construction of a government financed project... That's more like it! But unfortunately, it isn't until a tragedy of this sort takes place that the responsible show up with a solution. Is that gonna return those kids back to life and to their broken down families? Why did we wait so? Can we really fall any lower?
I swear, sometimes I believe I am living between Disneyland and Macondo, and this is just a bad chapter of the Surreal Life!
And the cherry to top it all! The IV Reich is here already!!!
Yes, I said the IV Reich, leaded by the elected Nazi Pope Benedict XVI, whom in an act that dares all that a man of God is supposed to stand for, lifted the excommunications of four traditionalist bishops, including that of a Holocaust denier whose rehabilitation sparked outrage among Jewish and not Jewish groups alike. All that without any consideration to the other 6 million people that were also exterminated! Gassed along with the Jews, they were considered little pebbles in Hitler's shoes. Gays, lesbians, Gypsies, communists, persons with physical and mental disabilities, etc. Religion wasn't the only criteria used during the Holocaust. In total, Hitler & Co. got rid of 12 million people! So, and just as a footnote... ENOUGH ALREADY with the Jewish martyrs! They weren't the only ones who suffered during WWII. And now, back to the present Nazi Pope in Rome and his predecessor Pope Pius XII... The one that condoned all the atrocities committed by the III Reich.
Men of God??? Holy See??? HOLY SHIT! And that's more like it!
If we can so easily forget, or "forgive", our not so old past... What else is there waiting for us? How much more has to happen before we all firmly stand before such an outrage!
Monday, 26 January 2009
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Just some thoughts on the Palestinian Genocide
"The failure of the Oslo Accords, the betrayed promise of a Palestinian Estate and the continued denial of Hamas as the elected Palestinian government, have provoked the actual situation in Gaza" This was part of a manifest presented by the small group "Jews for a Just Peace". They were present during yesterdays rally in Berlin, where another very small group of people, around 2,000 to be exact, rallied in favor of Israel's actions against Gaza and the Palestinian people.
It is of common knowledge that Germany holds a guilty complex when it comes to Jews and Israel... thanks to their Nazi past! To go against Israel still is a taboo for them. Understandable... maybe. But 'til when is this guilt gonna be an excuse for the inexcusable? The only thing this is doing for Germany, in the best of cases, is to cause the exact opposite reaction... It makes even more patent the antisemitism that still lives in Germany. A two face masquerade holding a signed blank check to the order of Israel, to confirm without the shadow of a doubt that same past they so desperately want to officially forget.
The little power the manifestation showed, is just another confirmation of a recent poll, where one out of every two Germans is against Israel's attacks on Gaza. Even Jews are against it! Why is it then? Why are we condoning such a conduct. A conduct that so far has taken the lives of 876 people.
Hamas is not the only one suffering here. There are children, just like yours. Human beings just like you and me. People who want to live, grow, progress and aspire to all the things you and me take so much for granted!
I keep hearing comments on the streets, some against Israel, others against the Palestinian. The latest are always accompanied by the word "terrorist". But, how can you leave that qualification out when your sovereignty is not recognized? When no matter what you do, your neighbors don't do as they say? And the crudest of them all... When you see your son, daughter, mother, uncle, sister, brother treated like animals, and finally murdered like pigs.
There is no dignity in this attacks, there is no dignity in murder, but there is even less dignity in turning away from it. When is enough gonna be enough for us to do something? And all because it doesn't happen to one of us!
It is of common knowledge that Germany holds a guilty complex when it comes to Jews and Israel... thanks to their Nazi past! To go against Israel still is a taboo for them. Understandable... maybe. But 'til when is this guilt gonna be an excuse for the inexcusable? The only thing this is doing for Germany, in the best of cases, is to cause the exact opposite reaction... It makes even more patent the antisemitism that still lives in Germany. A two face masquerade holding a signed blank check to the order of Israel, to confirm without the shadow of a doubt that same past they so desperately want to officially forget.
The little power the manifestation showed, is just another confirmation of a recent poll, where one out of every two Germans is against Israel's attacks on Gaza. Even Jews are against it! Why is it then? Why are we condoning such a conduct. A conduct that so far has taken the lives of 876 people.
Hamas is not the only one suffering here. There are children, just like yours. Human beings just like you and me. People who want to live, grow, progress and aspire to all the things you and me take so much for granted!
I keep hearing comments on the streets, some against Israel, others against the Palestinian. The latest are always accompanied by the word "terrorist". But, how can you leave that qualification out when your sovereignty is not recognized? When no matter what you do, your neighbors don't do as they say? And the crudest of them all... When you see your son, daughter, mother, uncle, sister, brother treated like animals, and finally murdered like pigs.
There is no dignity in this attacks, there is no dignity in murder, but there is even less dignity in turning away from it. When is enough gonna be enough for us to do something? And all because it doesn't happen to one of us!
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Spain and me... A match made in Hell!
And just when I thought Spain was finally smiling at me... Badaboum! The hit came out of nowhere and left me truly K.O.
I am clueless when it comes to what kind of a silly idea made me think I could make it back home without any troubles, or at least not so many! Was that too much to ask? I keep wondering.
You all have been my witnesses, you all have been here with me every time I had a setback on this little adventure of mine. You have read about the big bumps I found on the road, the small victories (which were the few), and how my brother wiped my tears and gave me hopes every time I was ready to throw the towel, and go back the same way I came.
Looking back now, June 24, the day I finally came to Barcelona (or should I say Sabadell, which is definitively not the same) seems to have taken place more than an eternity ago. So much has happened! I seem to have come a long way since, or so I thought. Think again baby! Just when I was starting to savor the laurels of moving into the big city, and just when I was about to sign the contract on my new home, another Spanish fuck came in and made true, all over again, what I already thought about this fucking place!
They told me to wait until after the Holidays to sign... on the day in question I called to confirm the appointment, and... Surprise, surprise! They plainly told me that they were putting the apartment on the market again! Cause the owner turned greedy before the tough times the economy is living nowadays. The fucking owner wants to make more money on it... I would say "good luck" on that one! I hope he crashes and burn on trying! Fucking bastard!
Anyways, I'm back to square one. A little bit numb, of course! But in good spirits. One thing I have learned these past months is to take things easy, and don't let this fucking country of mine get to my nerves! I think I can finally say that I am over it! Just like I am over a lot of other things... like man in general! HAHAHA Not sex though! I'm sorry, but there still are things that one cannot live without! Which reminds me... Gotta go suck somebody's dick! Ta-ta, seeya!
I am clueless when it comes to what kind of a silly idea made me think I could make it back home without any troubles, or at least not so many! Was that too much to ask? I keep wondering.
You all have been my witnesses, you all have been here with me every time I had a setback on this little adventure of mine. You have read about the big bumps I found on the road, the small victories (which were the few), and how my brother wiped my tears and gave me hopes every time I was ready to throw the towel, and go back the same way I came.
Looking back now, June 24, the day I finally came to Barcelona (or should I say Sabadell, which is definitively not the same) seems to have taken place more than an eternity ago. So much has happened! I seem to have come a long way since, or so I thought. Think again baby! Just when I was starting to savor the laurels of moving into the big city, and just when I was about to sign the contract on my new home, another Spanish fuck came in and made true, all over again, what I already thought about this fucking place!
They told me to wait until after the Holidays to sign... on the day in question I called to confirm the appointment, and... Surprise, surprise! They plainly told me that they were putting the apartment on the market again! Cause the owner turned greedy before the tough times the economy is living nowadays. The fucking owner wants to make more money on it... I would say "good luck" on that one! I hope he crashes and burn on trying! Fucking bastard!
Anyways, I'm back to square one. A little bit numb, of course! But in good spirits. One thing I have learned these past months is to take things easy, and don't let this fucking country of mine get to my nerves! I think I can finally say that I am over it! Just like I am over a lot of other things... like man in general! HAHAHA Not sex though! I'm sorry, but there still are things that one cannot live without! Which reminds me... Gotta go suck somebody's dick! Ta-ta, seeya!
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
All you need is ________?
"John Lennon was right: Love is the answer..." Someone said on the TV. And they continued, "couples tend to break up more during the Summer holidays than any other time of year".
I couldn't help it. Right away I started thinking why could that be true, and the reason seems to be the long periods of time they spend together during this season of leisure. Been together at all times creates all kinds of animosities between the parts, and it could make life unbearable, as I heard.
I tried to remember the most significant breakups I've had to see the theory proved. But in the end, I couldn't find a single one that happened during Summer. Although, I have to agree that some of them were caused by that "midsummer closeness".
If the whole point of a relationship is been together, why do we run away from it?
It is true, we all need some time apart. Time of our own to do whatever it is that complements the relationship. A lot of people understand that that time is to do things they used to do before they had a partner in life... and that is when problems arise. Because no matter how you put it, some of those activities are totally against the principles of a good and healthy relationship. For example, and I don't want to be the party pooper here, but if you ask for a time to yourself to go out dancing with your buddies... well, that isn't gonna add anything to the relation! In any case, it can actually deteriorate immensely the trust in each other... and trust is the engine that keeps the relation going.
"All you need is love" another Lennon mantra! But I searched myself in and out, and I have to disagree with it... All you need is trust. That's how it should go! Break that trust and you'll end up alone, hurting and hurt!
On the other hand, acceptance... moreover, tolerance... There you have it! Like a quintessential chem formula, Love=trust+tolerance/misled aloneness. Such a simple one too! Why is it then so hard to achieve? What has gone wrong in the lab of our lives?
Food for thought...
____________________________________________________________________________________
Y ahora y para mi querido hermano, aquí va la traducción:
I couldn't help it. Right away I started thinking why could that be true, and the reason seems to be the long periods of time they spend together during this season of leisure. Been together at all times creates all kinds of animosities between the parts, and it could make life unbearable, as I heard.
I tried to remember the most significant breakups I've had to see the theory proved. But in the end, I couldn't find a single one that happened during Summer. Although, I have to agree that some of them were caused by that "midsummer closeness".
If the whole point of a relationship is been together, why do we run away from it?
It is true, we all need some time apart. Time of our own to do whatever it is that complements the relationship. A lot of people understand that that time is to do things they used to do before they had a partner in life... and that is when problems arise. Because no matter how you put it, some of those activities are totally against the principles of a good and healthy relationship. For example, and I don't want to be the party pooper here, but if you ask for a time to yourself to go out dancing with your buddies... well, that isn't gonna add anything to the relation! In any case, it can actually deteriorate immensely the trust in each other... and trust is the engine that keeps the relation going.
"All you need is love" another Lennon mantra! But I searched myself in and out, and I have to disagree with it... All you need is trust. That's how it should go! Break that trust and you'll end up alone, hurting and hurt!
On the other hand, acceptance... moreover, tolerance... There you have it! Like a quintessential chem formula, Love=trust+tolerance/misled aloneness. Such a simple one too! Why is it then so hard to achieve? What has gone wrong in the lab of our lives?
Food for thought...
____________________________________________________________________________________
Y ahora y para mi querido hermano, aquí va la traducción:
Todo lo que necesitas es ________?
“John Lennon tenía razón: El amor es la respuesta...” Alguien estaba diciendo en la tele y continuaba, “las parejas tienden a dejarse más durante el verano”.
No pude evitarlo e inmediatamente empezé a pensar en el por qué de tal aseveración. La razón parece estar en que es durante esa temporada de ocio, cuando las parejas pasan más tiempo juntas. El estar tanto tiempo el uno al lado del otro crea todo tipo de animosidades entre las partes y por lo que he oído, la convivencia puede llegar a ser insoportable.
Traté de recordar las rupturas más importantes de mi vida con la intención de probar dicha teoría... pero al final, no fui capaz de encontrar ninguna que hubiese tenido lugar durante el verano. Aunque tengo que reconocer que algunas de ellas tuvieron como causa esa excesiva proximidad veraniega.
Si toda la razón de ser de una relación de pareja es poder estar el uno con el otro, ¿por qué lo saboteamos al tirar cada cual por nuestro lado?
Sí, es cierto que necesitamos nuestro espacio. Espacio y tiempo para hacer lo que sea que nos hace felices, porque la realidad es que cuando estamos contentos con nosotros mismos, aportamos más a la relación y sobre todo de mejor grado. Se trata de que ese espacio de crecimiento personal rompa con la monotonía de la cotidianidad. El problema surje cuando creemos que podemos llenar ese espacio con actividades que solíamos disfrutar cuando éramos solteros... pero lo que no tenemos en cuenta, es que algunas de éstas van en contra de lo que hace falta para mantener una relación de pareja saludable. Por ejemplo, y con esto no quiero ser la nota discordante, pero si utilizas tu espacio para salir de fiesta o copeteo con los amiguetes... bueno, que eso no va a ayudar, como tampoco añadirá nada positivo a tu relación. En todo caso, lo que dicha conducta puede provocar, es un deterioro irreversible en la confianza que cada cual pueda tener en el otro... y sin confianza no puede existir la relación.
“Lo único que necesitas es amor” otro mantra del Lennon! Pero después de rebuscarme y desdoblarme del derecho al revés, debo decir que discrepo totalmente con la frasecita... Lo único que necesitas es confianza. ¡Eso es lo que realmente debería decir! Rompe esa confianza y terminarás solo, herido y lo que es peor, ¡hiriendo al otro!
Por otro lado, la aceptación incondicional... o mejor aún, la tolerancia. ¡Helo aquí! La quintaesencia de la química conyugal, la fórmula para la convivencia perfecta: Amor=confianza+tolerancia/soledad equivocada. ¡Simple! ¿Verdad? Entonces, ¿por qué parece tán dificil de alcanzar? ¿Qué es lo que ha salido mal en el laboratorio de nuestras vidas?
Algo para la reflexión, sin duda.
A white Epiphany
I spent the day at my brother's... who by the way, didn't pay too much attention to my present... I'm not even sure he liked it... Oh well!
It was raining cats and dogs when we got there, and for once (more!) I wished it was snow instead of rain. My coat was drowning in the cold rain, and for another one, my brother agreed with me.
After having lunch we all sat down for a movie, but just before that we listened to the news and they were announcing snow at 100 meters. My brother said to me: "not a chance we get it here. This is Barcelona, it rarely snows here. Besides we are at 66 meters". But that is where he lives... I live at 400 meters. So, I left his comment unanswered, probably cause the child in me was telling me I might get lucky later on... And I did!
Just half an hour past the time he left me home, it started snowing! I haven't seen snow in Barcelona since I was a kid, and boy, oh boy! What a marvelous treat that was!
It is snowing still, and all the cars parked on the street and the hill right in front of my building are already covered by a white blanket. I can't wait to see how it is gonna look in the morning! I hope it keeps snowing all night, otherwise, what already is in the ground might not hold... We'll see.
It was raining cats and dogs when we got there, and for once (more!) I wished it was snow instead of rain. My coat was drowning in the cold rain, and for another one, my brother agreed with me.
After having lunch we all sat down for a movie, but just before that we listened to the news and they were announcing snow at 100 meters. My brother said to me: "not a chance we get it here. This is Barcelona, it rarely snows here. Besides we are at 66 meters". But that is where he lives... I live at 400 meters. So, I left his comment unanswered, probably cause the child in me was telling me I might get lucky later on... And I did!
Just half an hour past the time he left me home, it started snowing! I haven't seen snow in Barcelona since I was a kid, and boy, oh boy! What a marvelous treat that was!
It is snowing still, and all the cars parked on the street and the hill right in front of my building are already covered by a white blanket. I can't wait to see how it is gonna look in the morning! I hope it keeps snowing all night, otherwise, what already is in the ground might not hold... We'll see.
Sunday, 4 January 2009
Another boring Sunday
Another boring Sunday afternoon... the night doesn't seem to be improving either. Well, doesn't really matter. Just because we still are in the middle of the Christmas Season, doesn't mean every day is gonna be a holiday... Right?
Nevertheless, it has been a productive Sunday. I have updated my CV and even translated the same to English. Tomorrow I plan to go to the different newspapers in the city and live my CV for consideration. The English version... I am gonna start seeking for a position in the UK. After all, I still have the dream of living there again. Can't take that idea off my mind!
Now that I have finished with the serious part of my day... I think there showing Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead man's chest... IN SPANISH! It is gonna be, as it always is, a hilarious one!
Nevertheless, it has been a productive Sunday. I have updated my CV and even translated the same to English. Tomorrow I plan to go to the different newspapers in the city and live my CV for consideration. The English version... I am gonna start seeking for a position in the UK. After all, I still have the dream of living there again. Can't take that idea off my mind!
Now that I have finished with the serious part of my day... I think there showing Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead man's chest... IN SPANISH! It is gonna be, as it always is, a hilarious one!
Saturday, 3 January 2009
A gift for the Dalai Lama
Today I went shopping to my childhood neighborhood, Gracia. I had to find a gift for my brother the "Dalai Lama". He is the most difficult person to give a present to! He has very few passions... one, actually! His every week trip to the mountains, where he rolls down through all kinds of obstacles mounting his bike, him and his buddies the Dark Bikers.
As you can see, it was an almost impossible task. I had to call my niece for advice and she said what I already new... an impossible! lol She bought him a shirt and a slack, so she suggested I could buy him a pullover.
One good thing about the current economic crisis: the traditional January Sale has come earlier this year! I found him not one, but two pullovers. Finished my errands around the neighborhood and when I was about to take a cab, I see this small train coming up the street towards me. It was magic! A Polar Express in miniature. It made a stop right in front of where I was standing, and offered the last ride of the night for free... I took it of course! and for the first time this Christmas I felt like a kid again.
It wasn't just the ride what was magical tonight, the last stop was nothing short of a trip through time... The last stop was right in front of the tent of the third Wise Man, Balthazar, the black one... and which by the way, was and still is my favorite one! I couldn't help it. I had to do it. No excuses... I just walked right to him and asked for a Wii Sports.
Of course I am not so sure my wish will be granted, but I sure had a blast trying!
As you can see, it was an almost impossible task. I had to call my niece for advice and she said what I already new... an impossible! lol She bought him a shirt and a slack, so she suggested I could buy him a pullover.
One good thing about the current economic crisis: the traditional January Sale has come earlier this year! I found him not one, but two pullovers. Finished my errands around the neighborhood and when I was about to take a cab, I see this small train coming up the street towards me. It was magic! A Polar Express in miniature. It made a stop right in front of where I was standing, and offered the last ride of the night for free... I took it of course! and for the first time this Christmas I felt like a kid again.
It wasn't just the ride what was magical tonight, the last stop was nothing short of a trip through time... The last stop was right in front of the tent of the third Wise Man, Balthazar, the black one... and which by the way, was and still is my favorite one! I couldn't help it. I had to do it. No excuses... I just walked right to him and asked for a Wii Sports.
Of course I am not so sure my wish will be granted, but I sure had a blast trying!
Friday, 2 January 2009
It's complicated!
I fell in love with a wonderful man. He is tall, handsome, kind. I can really talk to him, with him, and we understand each other in such a mature way... It was wonderful, but too short.
Why is it that whenever you find something so pure and good it never lasts... WHY!
We broke up a couple of days before Christmas, and it was really hard, because we love each other very much... we just can't be together. There are so many reasons why we can't be enjoying each other!
Yes, it is true that he's got a Peter Pan complex, and he probably still is a little bit of a mama's boy... but mostly, I know it is because he is afraid of failure, intimacy and commitment. He's fear paralyzes him in a way I have never seen before. He is so patently afraid of knowing he is in a relationship, and what such a state implies that he preferred to end it saying he loves me so much and don't want to hurt me with his fears. He wants to let it go now, cause he thinks that it is gonna happen anyways. No matter what we do, he believes, and I mean he really believes the future is already and irremediably written. He is sure he's never gonna be able to overcome his fears, and therefore, he is gonna fail me. He is gonna fail himself.
We are officially not together anymore... but we still live together as if nothing had happened. It is weird, I know! But we love each other... sometimes, most of the times... there are other moments when we are mutually pulling apart from each other, repelling each other!
In my case, it is because I have plans, lots of plans! Plans that, if in a relationship, would be postponed or worst! accommodated around the time we owe to the relationship. I would hate myself if I couldn't do all the things I need to do to fulfill a part of my inner self... on the other hand, one other thing I need to accomplish fulfillment, is a definite relationship with the man that makes me want to say "I wanna die with him, after having lived whatever I have left of life in this body of mine"...
His side of the story is a sad one too. He says he can't make things work. He says he can't change the course of things to happen. But, he keeps saying the same thing, that it is not that he doesn't want to, it is that he can't, cause he knows how it is gonna end. He says he is unable to make it happen, and he is afraid of hurting me more if we continue and then brake up having been together for a longer period of time. I keep saying that he doesn't want to, cause when you want something you fight for it till the end! Right? Unfortunately, I can't make him understand, nor can I get into his head to make him understand. In his mind, this future is his present... thus already happened. And in his future he has failed already. How can you fight that one!
The worst part, though, is that we really feel for each other, we really love each other (except when I hate him and he hates me back. Lol) But this is so complicated! When we are together we feel so intensely! We don't have to say it, and for a few days in a row we don't seem to have enough of each other, and those days are wonderful. Those are the days we don't leave the apartment and people don't intrude in our world. Then, and out of the blue, the demons come in and all goes to hell. We feel the need to be apart. We want to run out and be apart from each other, and time becomes an eternity just before we cross the door out... Then, it doesn't matter where we are, or who we are with... we feel miserable! Counting the minutes to go back into each other's arms.
We are both suffering already. I don't even know how it is gonna be after I move out, in a week or so. I know it is gonna hurt me more than I can imagine right now. I just don't wanna live in the future, like him... I don't want to miss a thing! Not one single wonderful moment... the bad ones I discard them as they come. Inside me, there's only place for good memories.
I am better at coping with it than he is. Probably because I live in the present, enjoy every minute of it!... In the mean time, he lives in an altered future where there is no future for us.
Why is it that whenever you find something so pure and good it never lasts... WHY!
We broke up a couple of days before Christmas, and it was really hard, because we love each other very much... we just can't be together. There are so many reasons why we can't be enjoying each other!
Yes, it is true that he's got a Peter Pan complex, and he probably still is a little bit of a mama's boy... but mostly, I know it is because he is afraid of failure, intimacy and commitment. He's fear paralyzes him in a way I have never seen before. He is so patently afraid of knowing he is in a relationship, and what such a state implies that he preferred to end it saying he loves me so much and don't want to hurt me with his fears. He wants to let it go now, cause he thinks that it is gonna happen anyways. No matter what we do, he believes, and I mean he really believes the future is already and irremediably written. He is sure he's never gonna be able to overcome his fears, and therefore, he is gonna fail me. He is gonna fail himself.
We are officially not together anymore... but we still live together as if nothing had happened. It is weird, I know! But we love each other... sometimes, most of the times... there are other moments when we are mutually pulling apart from each other, repelling each other!
In my case, it is because I have plans, lots of plans! Plans that, if in a relationship, would be postponed or worst! accommodated around the time we owe to the relationship. I would hate myself if I couldn't do all the things I need to do to fulfill a part of my inner self... on the other hand, one other thing I need to accomplish fulfillment, is a definite relationship with the man that makes me want to say "I wanna die with him, after having lived whatever I have left of life in this body of mine"...
His side of the story is a sad one too. He says he can't make things work. He says he can't change the course of things to happen. But, he keeps saying the same thing, that it is not that he doesn't want to, it is that he can't, cause he knows how it is gonna end. He says he is unable to make it happen, and he is afraid of hurting me more if we continue and then brake up having been together for a longer period of time. I keep saying that he doesn't want to, cause when you want something you fight for it till the end! Right? Unfortunately, I can't make him understand, nor can I get into his head to make him understand. In his mind, this future is his present... thus already happened. And in his future he has failed already. How can you fight that one!
The worst part, though, is that we really feel for each other, we really love each other (except when I hate him and he hates me back. Lol) But this is so complicated! When we are together we feel so intensely! We don't have to say it, and for a few days in a row we don't seem to have enough of each other, and those days are wonderful. Those are the days we don't leave the apartment and people don't intrude in our world. Then, and out of the blue, the demons come in and all goes to hell. We feel the need to be apart. We want to run out and be apart from each other, and time becomes an eternity just before we cross the door out... Then, it doesn't matter where we are, or who we are with... we feel miserable! Counting the minutes to go back into each other's arms.
We are both suffering already. I don't even know how it is gonna be after I move out, in a week or so. I know it is gonna hurt me more than I can imagine right now. I just don't wanna live in the future, like him... I don't want to miss a thing! Not one single wonderful moment... the bad ones I discard them as they come. Inside me, there's only place for good memories.
I am better at coping with it than he is. Probably because I live in the present, enjoy every minute of it!... In the mean time, he lives in an altered future where there is no future for us.
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