I fell in love with a wonderful man. He is tall, handsome, kind. I can really talk to him, with him, and we understand each other in such a mature way... It was wonderful, but too short.
Why is it that whenever you find something so pure and good it never lasts... WHY!
We broke up a couple of days before Christmas, and it was really hard, because we love each other very much... we just can't be together. There are so many reasons why we can't be enjoying each other!
Yes, it is true that he's got a Peter Pan complex, and he probably still is a little bit of a mama's boy... but mostly, I know it is because he is afraid of failure, intimacy and commitment. He's fear paralyzes him in a way I have never seen before. He is so patently afraid of knowing he is in a relationship, and what such a state implies that he preferred to end it saying he loves me so much and don't want to hurt me with his fears. He wants to let it go now, cause he thinks that it is gonna happen anyways. No matter what we do, he believes, and I mean he really believes the future is already and irremediably written. He is sure he's never gonna be able to overcome his fears, and therefore, he is gonna fail me. He is gonna fail himself.
We are officially not together anymore... but we still live together as if nothing had happened. It is weird, I know! But we love each other... sometimes, most of the times... there are other moments when we are mutually pulling apart from each other, repelling each other!
In my case, it is because I have plans, lots of plans! Plans that, if in a relationship, would be postponed or worst! accommodated around the time we owe to the relationship. I would hate myself if I couldn't do all the things I need to do to fulfill a part of my inner self... on the other hand, one other thing I need to accomplish fulfillment, is a definite relationship with the man that makes me want to say "I wanna die with him, after having lived whatever I have left of life in this body of mine"...
His side of the story is a sad one too. He says he can't make things work. He says he can't change the course of things to happen. But, he keeps saying the same thing, that it is not that he doesn't want to, it is that he can't, cause he knows how it is gonna end. He says he is unable to make it happen, and he is afraid of hurting me more if we continue and then brake up having been together for a longer period of time. I keep saying that he doesn't want to, cause when you want something you fight for it till the end! Right? Unfortunately, I can't make him understand, nor can I get into his head to make him understand. In his mind, this future is his present... thus already happened. And in his future he has failed already. How can you fight that one!
The worst part, though, is that we really feel for each other, we really love each other (except when I hate him and he hates me back. Lol) But this is so complicated! When we are together we feel so intensely! We don't have to say it, and for a few days in a row we don't seem to have enough of each other, and those days are wonderful. Those are the days we don't leave the apartment and people don't intrude in our world. Then, and out of the blue, the demons come in and all goes to hell. We feel the need to be apart. We want to run out and be apart from each other, and time becomes an eternity just before we cross the door out... Then, it doesn't matter where we are, or who we are with... we feel miserable! Counting the minutes to go back into each other's arms.
We are both suffering already. I don't even know how it is gonna be after I move out, in a week or so. I know it is gonna hurt me more than I can imagine right now. I just don't wanna live in the future, like him... I don't want to miss a thing! Not one single wonderful moment... the bad ones I discard them as they come. Inside me, there's only place for good memories.
I am better at coping with it than he is. Probably because I live in the present, enjoy every minute of it!... In the mean time, he lives in an altered future where there is no future for us.
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