To blog, or not to blog: that is the question!

Sometimes I wonder... Is anyone reading my blog? I know I share every post on my FB account, and people leave messages there. Some of them really encouraging! But, I keep wondering... Why doesn't anybody leaves me a message here!

In the beginning of my blog days, I remember receiving messages. I knew then that people was reading my, and I have to admit it, SHIT! Lol But lately... Nothingness! Am I sending words into space, like little probes searching for something? And if, in fact, it is so... Isn't anyone listening? Aren't there enough radio telescopes to intercept my cry for recognition?

Recognition, Ah! Is it really that what am I craving for? I don't like to think so... but, can't keep from wondering! On the other hand, I would really like to think that what am I really hungry for, it is simple reciprocity. Someone who'll pick up the challenge to write me back! Yes, it is definitely that! The recognition, (we all at some point seek, or sought-after) it is a given... as long as you already have reciprocity!

How I long for someone to pick my brains! I am sure it is the sole reason for my blog's existence... the search for intelligent life elsewhere! Lol Could the lack of response mean that I am alone and lost in my own universe? Just the thought of it, and I am already shivering. A cold and unmerciful feeling runs up my spine, gives me the willies, and makes me blue all over again!

Can it really be possible that no one is really reading this? Can it really be possible that I am more alone than I thought? As if!

If there is anyone out there listening to what I have to say... could you please acknowledge by sending me a word or two? I really am in a pretty poor shape here, and really need to know there is someone else living in my own little universe!

The whreath that found its way back

Magda wearing the wreath she braided, and Piotr found in the sea!

Before I begin I have to tell you, this is a true to life story!

On the night of Saint John's festivity many traditions remain. In Puerto Rico, they believe that going backwards into the sea, at midnight, will bring them luck. In Catalonia they celebrate with fireworks and a delicious sweet brioche with candied fruits, champagne, and a night of dancing and partying with friends and family... In Poland, a maiden braids a wreath and throws it into the sea, or a river. The man who finds it will marry her.

As it happens to be, Magda and Piotr were in Lloret the night of Saint John's. Magda braided the wreath, as it is the tradition in their homeland, Poland. She thew the wreath into the Mediterranean that same night, on the 23rd. of June.

Two days later, Magda, Piotr, Dave and myself went for a day in the gardens of Santa Clotilde, and later descended to Sa Boadella beach. As we were enjoying the first day of summer here... cause summer has taken its time to come this year... we went for a swim, played around in the water, sunbathed letting our bodies dry with the warm embrace of the sun... and as we were almost ready to leave the beach, Magda and Piotr decided for a last splash in the water.

What happened next was nothing less than one of those serendipitous, unbelievably puzzling, cosmic exploding things! Piotr found, floating on the sea, the wreath Magda had braided two days earlier!!!!


What are the odds on something like that happening???? I don't know much about statistics, but my guess is: Astronomical! One in a trillion! To say the least.

So, I guess they are definitely made for each other! Since, according to their tradition, Piotr will now marry Magda. Who already is, his one and only love!

"Love is the longing for the half of ourselves we have lost." — Milan Kundera (The Unbearable Lightness of Being)

The unbearable loneliness of being

For the last couple of days I've been thinking about the loneliness of my existence. Funny! I live surrounded by people and yet I can feel it tearing my flesh apart, like a Memento from a Harry Potter movie!

But, in reality, it is a little worm. A malignant worm that lives inside my consciousness and keeps biting the Jiminy Cricket inside of me.

Although I enjoy my moments of solitude, loneliness on the other hand it's a totally different proposal... and one that I'm still trying to fight. But, unfortunately, I'm starting to feel I am loosing the battle on that one! I wanna fight the stigma, the adage that clearly states that “after 40 it is easier to be hit by lightning than to find a proper husband!” And as funny as it may seem, one of my favorite adages is “Who knows, lightning could strike!”... Well, neither nor! I, obviously, haven't been stroke by any kind of lightning whatsoever! Not that I wanna get married... I really have mixed feelings on that one! But a partner in crime (sort of speak) would really be welcomed! An adventurer like me, willing to globe trot next to me... which, by the way, would come in handy on certain countries that I would probably never visit, just because I am a woman traveling alone, i.e. Iran, or Afghanistan. But, been the fact that I recently turned 50... I wonder... what would be the appropriate adage for someone like me???? Me, being choosy, extremely choosy! Stubborn, witty, with more brains than heart, but at the same time loving, caring, warm (full of contradictions, as you can see, just like all the rest! Only me, I am prepared to accept and acknowledge them)... a crusader with all its colors and arms when it comes to safeguard the sanctity of my space, the vital space that would make me choke to death without it! I am an adventurer and I hate routine! Wouldn't settle for anything less that what I am and have to offer... I am really looking for an equal, and age doesn't matter to me... But what the hell! I am the one who's 50! LOL So, no point on trying to be politically correct, right?

Let me see.... Have I left something out??? Oh! There is another thing: I hate having timetables! I eat when I am hungry, I sleep when I'm sleepy, I go through life without those really annoying time capsules. If you wanna know, to me, there are sort of a chain and ball. Except for school, I did never impose any of those timetables to my son, and you would be pleasantly surprised how well of a little gentleman he turned out being! Everybody who ever met him can give testimony to that. A little too much of a square to my taste, but if that works for him, so be it! Now, and for the rest that I might have distractedly left on the inkwell, I think I'll let my friends fill in the blanks.

With half my generation gone: dead from drug abuse, heart attacks, prostate cancer, other kinds of cancer, marriage, bad marriages, bitter divorces, and callous hearts... and the other half gone by simply dropping from life itself... where is it that I would find a suitable partner? Willing to put up with me, the real Me!

I have searched, without even searching, half the globe for that special someone. And though I have encountered, more than once, what everybody refers to as a soul mate: their hearts had been callously withdrawn from the possibility of intimacy. Fear overcame their already fragile self esteem and the result is an obvious one... I remain unpartnered! And one more thing to ponder... I don't like men my own age. They are, at the most, incapable of commitment. And besides Americans, French and Italians, (as for the last two, don't particularly care for them. Not loyal at all!) I haven't found what I was looking for. Younger men in Europe, generally speaking, are not attracted to me! Although, I am, and remain, very attractive. With looks that do not correspond my age, and a curious mind with a probable age of 15! Therefore, Loneliness again!

Maybe I just need a body donor, or to clone myself. LOL Get a body more in harmony with who I am... a body that could last forever, would even be a better deal! But that's just dreaming, not gonna happen! Of course not!

So, the adage goes... “After 50 it is not only impossible to find a suitable husband, but it is also impossible to get stricken by lightning”.

So, go on! By all means, please stand on an open field in the middle of an electric storm... I guarantee you! You will not be stricken by any of it!

Little Girl Blue... and maybe a little estranged too

I am sitting there, I can see her... but I have doubts: maybe I am only looking from me at me.

You could say I have the blues. Dunno why, or if I do, I prefer to keep it to myself.

I am missing something, or something is missing here! Probably the reason why I am there, and not here. If I am confusing you... Imagine how confused must I feel! I counted my little fingers... and still have 10 in my hands. Even counted my little toes, and still have 10 between both feet too!... I couldn't count the raindrops, though. Yesterday wasn't the best day for it! Too many raindrops to sort from: drops falling from the sky, drops falling from trees, drops falling from balconies, and even drops falling upwards, straight from the ground. Too many raindrops to count, cause it was fucking pouring!

What else is there to say... I can't count raindrops! Specially, when all I will ever gonna be able to count on, or wish I could lean on, is going to feel just like those raindrops do: Lonely, through, and totally wet!

I am missing something, or something just missed me! Came, stayed just long enough to make a dent, and then left as if it was passing through here... Probably the reason why am I there now. But, why the missing something isn't it there too? Is it something else besides the here and there? And, if there is something else... why not send me a tender, loving, caring little boy blue? Now!

A little boy blue who'll pick me up and dust me off. Iron willed to hold me endlessly, and resolute to warm me up. A little boy blue to bring me back here, the here and always now to where I belong.

As time goes by

Yes, just as the song says: As time goes by... There is someone out there that could always rely on that other someone to hear the words "I love you"... If he is open enough to accept it unconditionally. If he is open enough not to see any barriers, or preconceptions.

How many of you have ever fell in love at first sight? I know I did. How many of you do believe in love at first sight? I do.

For me it was the moment he stepped out the motor coach. I remember my face lighting up like a Christmas tree. Funny, isn't it? Just when you least expect it, love touches you in a way that makes you walk on air, just an inch above the ground. But, it is only an inch you need to see life through a kaleidoscope. It can happen just like that, in a fraction of a second, in a furtive exchange of glances. Maybe even, in a wink of an eye... or a few winks, perhaps.

It happens when you don't need to say the words, when your eyes are sparkling with love tunes... When you also feel shy! And you really do! It could have been love at first sight in the beginning. But after a mere four days: four wonderful, perfect days... and perhaps during a month of June, days you will always cherish forever! You feel the certainty it isn't at first sight anymore, but a love that lasts for eternity and back! After a four days period you are truly, madly, deeply In Love!

And the song still plays on: "Women needs men, and men must have his mate that no one can deny... still the same old story... ... the world will always welcome lovers, as time goes by" Could it be possible? Could it really be possible for anyone to love and be loved in return? Could the world really welcome them as lovers? Two strangers, but at the same time, undeniable soul mates. Two strangers that in a mere four days could relate more than some couples do in a lifetime?

Love is, and always has been "A fight for love and glory". You know, the winner takes it all!... Why can't we all be winners? And how do you approach that imperfect human being, just to make him understand you only want to love him in a perfect way. Cause the truth is, before your eyes, he is and always will be, perfect!

How can you shorten the time gap between one another? How do you approach intimacy when you are threaten by rejection?

How do you tell that love of yours that no matter what, you will always remember everything that happened between the both of you, that you'll always think of him... That no matter what, your love will always be there... as time goes by.

No brains = Dangerous minds

I was minding my own business. A visit to my friend at the video store. Catching up with her, since we hadn't talk for 4 days... I was hosting my Transylvanian guy! Then, all of a sudden, and out of nowhere, this girl shows up and says hi to my friend. I know her, I've seen her before, many times before! I think we even went together to the Horror Film Festival last winter... not my friend though! But a friend of my friend. Are you following me?

Anyways, she rents the movie American History X with Edward Norton and Edward Furlong. It is about neo-nazi skinheads... and then she opens her mouth, which apparently it isn't connected to her brain... Unfortunately!

She starts talking about the great job the nazis did during WWII. That it is a good thing to kill groups of people to clean the gene pool! And so on... At first I thought she was joking... But then I asked bluntly, "you must be joking, right?"... she turns around, serious face and all, and says to me, in my face! "no, I am not joking".

The next thing was me getting all outraged! The steam: I could feel it coming out my ears, my nose, my eyes! Probably red too! And then, I couldn't help it, I answered that ominous comment "Ok, right! Why don't we start with you then? Right here, right now! I have my knife right here in my pocket (always have it!) it will just take a move from my hand and you will be bleeding to death in a few seconds". She then says to me: "first you have to get me" Aaaaaarrrg!
"Don't worry" I say, "it will be a fast death, you wouldn't even know what is happened until you get to the other side! People like you are the ones who don't deserve to live" I continued, "and I don't care if there are witnesses or not, I don't care cause I would be doing a favor to society. After all, it is their word against mine, and I am very good at getting out of hairy situations. After I kill you, I will be outta here like nothing happened"

And I swear to you! I was ready to do it. Determined! My friend tried, in vain, to make a joke out of it: "Hey Silvia, what about the cameras!" to what I coldly said "the cameras don't work" Which, by the way, it's true!

In the end, I took a deep, deep, deep breath with my knife still in my hand, and walked out the door with not even a goodbye to my friend!

It's been two days already since the incident. Now I can write about it more calmly, but I still feel outraged inside!

All my life I have been fighting intolerance, racism and xenophobe people like this little maggot! I could have crushed it under my shoe, and feel no remorse about it! And I don't think that by doing so would have put me at her level!

When is it gonna stop? When will people learn anything from our bloody past! History teaches us all kinds of lessons as we go by! Why are there people then that still look back and think that killing indiscriminately is a good thing!

Sixty million people died during WWII, 12 of those millions exterminated by the nazi regime, and the rest fighting against it! Isn't that enough! And it is not only WWII, we have thousands of genocide examples throughout history! The former Yugoslavia, Darfur, Rwanda, Sudan, Gaza... just to mention a few of the more recent ones.

Maggots keep on breeding like rats! But people keep on turning their heads, and looking sideways whenever it happens! ......... I didn't! But, should I have acted on it? Vigilante style?

One thing is for sure, the lack of brains and discernment it will only lead to dangerous minds. With no morals whatsoever, nor respect for their fellow human beings. FUCKING MAGGOTS!